Take Back the Morning

There is something that has been bearing down on me for quite a while. Something difficult, something ugly. One of those secrets that festers like a rumor in the hands of a loud mouth school girl. It takes a while to recognize, to come to terms with that which is a detriment to you, and the progress you wish to see building in your life. You can ignore it, cover it up, sugar coat it, or do whatever it is you wish to do to convince yourself that you are dealing with the problem, but in the end...it's there. It is ALWAYS there. Waiting like a cheap shot chump to pop you in the chops when you turn your back to see who is calling you bitch. The bastard child of you and that fat woman you met at the Winger concert that one drunken night. Ignore all you want, but eventually it gets to you. It takes you over, and everyday that it slips through your feeble hands is another day that it gains the strength that you no longer have. When you reach the breaking point, you have to make a decision. Confront the problem or just hope against hope that it will go away. I've decided to confront it.

I'm completely and hopelessly addicted to sleep. I OD on the Zzzzz's. Every morning I snooze and I lose. An unfinished script looms as the merciless winter wind has me watching my dependence swell beyond the manageable. If my own inherent tendency to make excuses for this behavior was not enough, I am surrounded by enablers as well. The snooze button on my alarm clock, my soft and snorey Boston Terrier, and the uber comfortable fleece Guitar Hero pajamas my nephew got me for Christmas (They sound like a joke, but I assure you these things are no joke at all) all do their best to make sure that I stay between the sheets and out of the office. The odds are stacked against me before the alarm clock ever sounds off in the a.m.. It's like trying to quit smoking while watching Madmen!

You would think the solution is simple just get your lazy ass out of bed and you will get used to it. Not true. Once you've formed that unhealthy relationship with your snooze button, you will pat that sucker at least twenty times between the hours of 5 and 7. And I have done just that which has led to something even more maddening. The sleep that I am clinging to like a drunk to a bottle of Wild Turkey, actually isn't all that good. It is getting interrupted every five minutes by NPR giving me an update on the atrocity in Haiti and the Obama administration's most recent bouts with the GOP. (In the most soothing of voices imaginable of course. Man those people sound so damn smart and perfect. Jerks!)

Frustrated by all of this and desperately searching for a solution, today I bought a new alarm clock. I've located the be all end all of pain in the ass alarms. This alarm clock physically jumps off your night stand and rolls around your room. It plays a vicious tirade of R2D2 beeps while it rolls forcing you to chase after it and shut it off. Upon purchase, I could picture a scene in my head set to the Benny Hill theme song. It's me chasing after this evil device with my dog barking and taking part in the hunt like a hound with a rabbit. My wife crawling deep enough under the the covers she may end up in some chinaman's bed. A Keaton-esque 5am ruccus. The only sad thing is I will never be willing to set up a video camera to capture this. The world could be missing out on what could quite possibly be the Godfather of all nonsensical Youtube videos because I don't want to see myself on the web running around a room in a pair of Guitar Hero pajamas chasing after a robot alarm clock. I am just not that self confident. This is something that could truly break and already insecure man.

So there you have it. Some say the first step to getting better is recognizing you have a problem. I have the film festival coming up in a couple weeks, and I desperately want to make some strong headway on the feature script for Mamma. I wanna swat these demons off my shoulders, write and write often. Just me, 5am and 4 or five cups of that bitter beautiful bean the coffee Gods named espresso. I am going to ride on the back of my new Clocky alarm clock to a first place finish in the race of me against me and on to those magical two words that every writer dreams about.....

THE END